I Appear Missing
Well, this blog has turned into a private journal, which bodes well for me topic. Although, I suppose this has way more to do with the fact that I changed my name to protect my identity because my ex-boyfriend found it and decided to ask me in the most condescending way possible, “you’re still stripping?”. I could almost hear the italics on the word “still” in that snide remark. Yes, I am still stripping, and no I didn’t start this blog so that you could take pity on me or judge me negatively. I started this blog so that I can keep track of the zany shit that happens at my club, and to explore the anxieties/joy that stripping incites within me. Today was more of an anxiety sort of day. I didn’t actually end up getting up off of my paralyzingly comfy couch to go to work; instead, I sat here (yes, I am still sitting here) and felt like I was going to die the entire time. ANXIETY!!! I felt as though that needed all-caps…don’t you? Anyway, I felt, and continue to feel as though I am going to drop dead at any moment…my head is swimming, my body feels as though it is a vibrator (and not a pleasurable one either…more like a belt sander type of vibration), and I’m dizzy. It is difficult to feel remotely sexy when I feel like I should be wearing a straitjacket instead; although, I am sure that there is a fetish for that…New outfit idea!! Here are a few lyrics from a new Queens of the Stone Age song that describe how I am feeling perfectly:
“Calling all comas, prisoner on the loose, description: the spitting image of me, except for the heart shaped hole where the hope runs out. Shock me awake, tear me apart, pinned like a note on a hospital gown. Prison of sleep deepened now. A rabbit hole never to be found…again. Where are you hiding my love? Cast off like a stone, feeling raw and exposed when I’m out of control. Pieces were stolen from me…dare I say, given away. Watching the water give in as I go down the drain…I appear missing now…” http://youtu.be/C9OfBcjyxKY
Anyway, enough of that gloomy stuff…when I actually got out of my apartment on Saturday to work a 3-12 am shift (yeah, it was a weird one), we were SLOW AS FUCK! No one entered through the apocalyptic chamber doors to visit me doing my best Electric Slide until 7 pm! Strippers get really weird when we’re bored. True Story. Okay, once a guy does actually come into the club I awkwardly transition from line-dance to shake-my-ass-dance, but it does seems to work…and who cares? Tits, right? So at 7 we had what seemed to be a flash-mob bachelor party, which only lasted for thirty minutes, but they really liked me so I multiplied my money by ten. I know what you’re thinking…wow, did you make a thousand dollars then?! No, I only had nine bucks before that, but eighty-one dollars in half an hour? Not too shabby, right? Sure…if I was a waitress. Later on in the night, a couple came in that spoiled me rotten. I did six lapdances for each one individually, and then one with both of them; however, I was feeling slightly sadistic, so I spanked both of them on the ass pretty hard (I am such a bad ass…yeahhh, about that…no). When the bouncer was walking me out to my car later, he informed me that we can lose our liquor license if I beat customers up. This news was kind of heartbreaking for me because sometimes inflicting pain on customers is INCREDIBLY CATHARTIC. Does that make me a bad person? A few years ago I had a customer who enjoyed it when I spanked him with a yardstick until it broke in half…see? I am spreading joy and brightening the eyes of many pervs…just call me the dominatrix philanthropist.